On Tuesday night, while driving on the way to meet my girlfriends for dinner, out of the blue, I did it. I prayed and ask for His help. I opened my mouth and the words came flowing out. I asked him to give me a sign, help me find a way out. I really felt that I cannot deal with all this anymore. I'm chocking, drowning. I really want to come out from the water but I cannot swim.
That very same night, I had the weirdest dream. I cannot usually remember dreams but this one, I remember it vividly. It started out with mummy and I house hunting and then finding our dream home. A bungalow with 5 rooms and 5 bathrooms which costs only RM40,000! It then cut to us driving my car picking celebrities. We first went to pick Gary, then Zhang Dong Liang. Then we had to pick Z Chen but then mummy didn't know the way so she asked Gary to drive (my car).
Then all of the sudden, I was walking on the streets of Bangkok (Siam Square), where I bumped into the Nescafé team. Ajoy was back and he was happy and ecstatic to see me. Tiff and the rest was there too. They were on their way to the recording studio to record a new jingle. Funny huh? Then the next thing I know, we were all in the studio over looking the recording. And funny thing, Gee was there, as the producer!
Cut! I'm in this room which happen to look like McCann's studio. I saw Sonny and Mickie packing up to leave. I walked through this door and there I was at the Bangkok airport with W. We were about to go somewhere then all of the sudden his girlfriend turn up. We brought her back to the studio and and told her to stay put while we go settle some wrk stuff. Then W and I were went back to the Japanese restaurant in Bangkok airport to finish our business. The next thing you know, she came again! WTF! W look kinda irritated but then patiently the 3 of us went back tot he studio. I walked behind them and was wondering how did she know we were here then I saw her waving to Allison! What? How did she now Allison? And why was Allison there?
What ever. Back at the studio, Sonny and Mickie was still packing up. We went back to pack up as well. I then had to ask W something before I leave so I went into his room. His girlfriend saw me coming and said to him:" I miss the way how we used to kiss." And then they kissed. WTF?! What was she trying to prove? Anyhow, I snapped and somehow went up to them and push them apart, closed the door behind and said: "You know Melissa right? No one is leaving this room until we settle this." (Melissa?? I wanted to say Allison but the name just didn't seem to come out).
I woke up straight after that. I was not in shocked or anything. I didn't consider this a nightmare. It was just a bad dream. But it did made me cranky the whole day yesterday. I was trying to figure it (the whole dream) out. I manage to link some of the events with things that happen. Like the RM40,000 bungalow,RM40,000 was the price Boon Way told us about the 2nd Jaguar he bought in Ireland. Melissa was the name of Honey's friend that she mentioned during dinner that night when we met up. And he rest..... I know why W and his girlfriend was in it. But Sonny and Mickie? Gary. Zhang Dong Liang and Z Chen?
Anyhow, maybe that was God's sign to me (I guess). Then yesterday after work, I dropped by Gardens to find some stuff for work. I didn't want to be caught in the jam so I hung out in Borders to read a little. Of all the books there to read, I had to pick up Lilian Too's 2009 Chinese horoscope prediction. I know unconsciously I was hoping to find some good answers and guides to my life next year. As usual, me being me, I did not only stopped at my sign. I had to read his as well. And looks like his year with his partner look good. No trouble, no drama. Just perfect harmony. (Damnit!)
It kinda hurt a little at first. But then after a while, I actually felt lighter. Carefree. Maybe this IS the real sign from God. I don't know. Maybe this is his way of showing me the right path. The way out. The full stop to my pain in the process of letting go. Nothing for me to cling on to anymore. The truth slap straight on me.
Maybe it's a habit. A lifestyle that I'm used to. Even after the reading, I just automatically browsed into the CD store, hoping to find something for W. Then into the lego store as well. I was about to walk to the toy store in Mid Valley but then I manage to stop and wake myself up in time. Why do I even bother anymore? I lost. I finally lost. I was losing but now I lost. Even if I can match up to what she can offer, what's the point? The verdict is in and there is nothing left to fight for.
I had a dream about him again last night. It's not very clear but I really hope that this is the last.
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